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Bizarro is brought to you today by Uniform Purpose.

Hospital stays can be tons of fun, to be sure, but this guy is having less fun than he would if his doctor wasn’t sitting on his lap. Perhaps the problem would be less acute if the doctor were lighter and more attractive to the patient, but it wouldn’t solve it completely. Also, in case you can’t see it on your screen here, don’t miss the message on the flower card.

This cartoon reminds me of a hilarious health-related story of my own, which many of you may benefit from reading.

I once visited a medical building for something called a colonoscopy, which, if you don’t know, is one of the most fun things you can pay strangers to do to you. My first experience with this enchanting ritual was in 2001 at a fancy, state-of-the-art clinic in a large, American metropolis.

On the day of my adventure, I had already spent a couple of joyous days following the instructions that the colon experts had provided, which led me step-by-step through some delightfully curious preparatory activities that seemed devised to make one wonder if former members the KGB hadn’t found their way into the American colonoscopy industry. For instance, I had never realized how tired I was of eating and drinking things I enjoyed until I compared it to the austerity of bypassing nutrition and pleasure entirely and swallowing nothing other than a gallon of white house paint and four boxes of laxatives. Could this affair get more fun than that? As it turned out, it could.

In the interest of not spoiling it for any of you who intend to give this a whirl sometime, I will not describe the charming processes to which I was treated that day at the clinic. Let’s just say I’ll never forget a moment of it.

As the subsequent days and weeks unfolded, I happened to recount my experiences astern with certain friends and family after which, each said something peculiarly similar to, …but you don’t remember it because of the twilight drug, right?” To which I answered, “What drug? They gave me nothing. I remember every moment.”*

It was then that I realized that the colon experts I visited that day had forgotten something that was by that time in the barbaric history of human endeavors in medicine, considered standard routine; the anesthesia. If any of you should decide to embark on a similar adventure, you may want to remind the folks with the garden hose about the twilight drug.** Otherwise, you might have as much fun as I did.

*True story. Wish it wasn’t.

**This drug is not so-named because of the popular vampire book series and does not give you extra powers.

If you’re wondering what Wayno was shoving a garden hose into last week, perhaps his cartoons will offer a clue…

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It’s a perfect day to have a sidewalk sale of the boss’s office furnishings. Executive office chair for sale. Slightly used by an asshole.

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Which would you prefer to experience during a cavity search—cow hooves or a dog’s muzzle? (I think that first story of mine above has got me thinking in a certain direction.)

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I suppose this is preferable to it raining crucifixes and crowns of thorns and iron spikes. He is risen and he is chocolate!

(If I’ve offended any of you with that comment, just keep in mind that God will punish me. Or perhaps He already did, using a certain forgetful employee of a colonoscopy clinic.)

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I could say the same

except for the part about

speaking haiku

(Before you comment on my comment, realize that I know what a haiku is and I can accurately count well past ten.)

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Stay tuned for the weekend foreskin at 11. While you’re waiting, check out Wayno’s blog this week. As always, he includes some interesting stuff from his wealth of music history knowledge and also a very strange and unsettling Easter card image from around a hundred years ago!

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I can’t even imagine how many years of yoga it would take for me to be able to cross my leg like that. So jealous!

We certainly hope you’ve enjoyed wandering through the aisles of the comedy outlet store with us today, Jazz Pickles. Have you noticed we NO LONGER HAVE ADS on this site? (You’re welcome.) If you’re pleased by that and enjoy our shenanigans, please consider dropping a coin or two into one of the links below to help keep the fences mended at Rancho Bizarro. We deeply appreciate your readership!

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Dan Piraro18 Comments